A Big Baby Step

It's been over a week since school started and I have yet to miss turning in an assignment, miss a class, or fail to take a quiz.

One small step for me. One... well, still small step towards earning a degree.

Back To School...

Feelings? What are those?

There was a long period of time where I kind of saw crying as weakness. I thought people who cried a lot were just a bunch of pansies... but at the same time, I was a little jealous.

See, crying doesn't come easy to me. Physical pain doesn't push me into it. The first two times I sprained my ankle, I swore out loud and yeah it hurt, but I didn't shed a single tear over being a gimp. Saying bye to friends doesn't make me weepy. Sappy movies don't quite cut it... they're just dumb.

But something changed a few weeks ago. I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked me how I was doing and what I've been up to. It was actually really difficult to talk about myself. I wasn't trying to deflect away from talking about me, but there was nothing new that I was doing. Yeah, I'm working two jobs. Yeah, I still live at home. Yeah, I'm going back to school. Yeah, I have no idea what I'm going to do after college (whenever that is).

But I told her that I have this new thing for feeling on behalf of others. Lately, a small handful of people have been sharing some really raw parts of their stories with me. After somebody shares that broken part of their story with me, I feel it. Most of the time it's a few hours later when I've had time to process our conversation, but I then get caught off guard by the sudden outpouring of emotions.

This part of feeling has never been a part of my emotional library, but I'm willing to expand. It's actually been one of the most painful things I've felt... yet easily one of the most freeing. It's another one of those weird things I can't describe very well. While I'm in this, I'm confused, excited, sad, joyful, angry, hopeful, anxious, optimistic... all of these things that are supposed to conflict with each other and yet it works.

I still don't quite get it, but I guess I'm okay with that. After sitting down with these individuals and seeing how hungry they are for something (or someone) more, I can't help but cry for them. I can't help but pray for them. I can't help but get excited! God's moving in more than just me, and He's letting me see small parts of other people's stories unfold.

Way too late for these shenanigans!

I live in a house occupied not only by my parents, but by 5 other people... or is it 6... maybe 7? I guess when the numbers get that high, you really stop caring. Some are 100% American. Some are 100% not at all.

It's 2am and currently, one of the foreign exchange students is puking in our shower, her boyfriend is waiting outside the door and checks in on her in an unnecessarily loud voice, and one other foreign exchange student just slipped and fell on the back stairs.

Halfway funny, halfway incredibly annoying.

I'm so tired, I want to cry.

Hello Me. You're Pretty Cool

I'm essentially a new discovery to myself. Sure, I have seen bits and pieces of the real me... but this blows all the small fragments I've seen right out of the water. As cheesy as it sounds, I have this amazing joy in my heart and I'm not letting it go because I'm addicted to the high it gives me.

Sure some days still suck, but joy goes beyond me being crabby in the morning when I wake up. Joy goes beyond my heartbreak when I hear bad news. Joy even goes beyond my happiness when I celebrate the good things life gives me...check that, God gives me.

Man oh man! Sometimes the English language is so limited to how I'm actually feeling- how I'm actually living. It's almost frustrating because I want to share what I have and feel so restricted by my tongue because it doesn't know what to appropriately do or say.

I guess to boil it down a bit- I really like me. The real me.

Expectations

Our youth group retreat was this weekend. I could say it was good, but that's a very generic statement. I have a lot of mixed feelings about what this weekend was like. On one hand,I saw students who just took this retreat as a time to get away from their parents and hang out. were spiritually. On another hand, I saw a bunch of students break free of labels they've worn and get serious. And on another hand still, I saw a handfuls of student get angry at other people and God.

Honestly, I sat in that last boat. There was a lot of distraction the whole weekend with even just the dynamics between middle and high school. Even in my personal life, God is resurfacing junk I've been burying and isn't letting me push it aside this time around. It's made for many restless nights. So I expected this weekend to be one where I could leave refreshed, on fire, and not so broken.

My expectations were crushed. Being on worship team, I led a few songs and probably got a little overambitious vocally. I had no voice by the end if the first night and was frustrated because I couldn't sing very well. There were also students I spoke with that I thought would "get it" and would want to get serious but didn't. On top of all that, God didn't fix me the way I wanted Him to and I left retreat absolutely drained and a little defeated.

But thank God my expectations were crushed! Worship took care of itself because it was never about me. Some of the students I've written off before this weekend really opened up to the idea that God could use them and talked about things beyond the surface. And for me, God's showing me retreat is way beyond just getting a temporary spiritual high.

I was expecting the wrong things. I expected something comfortable- something requiring minimal effort. Now, God's planting small thoughts and ideas in me. Even though some of the thoughts and ideas aren't the easiest pills to swallow (mostly because they require action and not idleness), the more I think about them, the more hopeful I am.

So now, my only expectation is God is about to do something big, and I'm excited...

Arguing

I grew up in a house where we were taught to see both sides of the story. In some respects, it's been a blessing. For instance, when I was in 8th grade (taking you way back) I failed my math class for a quarter. There was an after school program developed for students wanting to raise a failing grade into passing territory AKA- F to D-. Now, I was also playing basketball and it was a requirement to be passing all my classes. So in order to play, I had to enroll in this "retention prevention" program to bring my grade up. My math teacher didn't have to correct my makeup papers until Friday and I had a Tuesday game. Go figure, he didn't correct the papers.

I was sad and heartbroken that I had to miss out on that game. All my friends were saying I should be ticked off at my teacher for not correcting the paper, but I told them it was my fault to begin with and he wasn't obligated to correct my papers until the end of the week. I was the one who didn't do my homework and failed the class so there was really no point in playing the victim. I did, however, ask my teacher the next day if he could correct the papers so I could play in the Thursday game. He heard about what I said to my friends and said he respected what I did in that instance and corrected my papers. Sweet Jesus, I was able to play basketball again!

Small example of seeing the flip side. There have also been instances recently between friends where I've kept my mouth shut until I've heard both sides. You'd be absolutely amazed how lopsided some people's viewpoints are until you've heard the counterpart.

But in other respects, this idea has been very destructive for me. I tend to argue with myself quite frequently. I guess it's kind of like the idea of "over thinking" things. I'll have an epiphany or an idea on a subject, but a few moments later have a contradicting opinion opposed to the initial idea. Commence the battle of the mind...

Many times, the contradicting opinion takes the voice of somebody I hold in high esteem or an authority figure in my life supposedly in the role of "the voice of reason". It's really put a strain on my relationships with others. It's like I equate their voice in my head to actually speaking with them. Slowly, I've worked my way into distrusting a lot of people who've never given me a reason to not trust them.

So my biggest battle right now rages inside my own head. It's kind of hard to ignore something like that. As much as I hate the word due to overuse, these many voices I'm hearing is coming from a single source- torment. I get choked up even typing the word because I'm realizing just how real it is in my life right now.

But I refuse to lose such a winnable battle...