Thursday, November 19, 2009

Hello Me. You're Pretty Cool

I'm essentially a new discovery to myself. Sure, I have seen bits and pieces of the real me... but this blows all the small fragments I've seen right out of the water. As cheesy as it sounds, I have this amazing joy in my heart and I'm not letting it go because I'm addicted to the high it gives me.

Sure some days still suck, but joy goes beyond me being crabby in the morning when I wake up. Joy goes beyond my heartbreak when I hear bad news. Joy even goes beyond my happiness when I celebrate the good things life gives me...check that, God gives me.

Man oh man! Sometimes the English language is so limited to how I'm actually feeling- how I'm actually living. It's almost frustrating because I want to share what I have and feel so restricted by my tongue because it doesn't know what to appropriately do or say.

I guess to boil it down a bit- I really like me. The real me.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Our youth group retreat was this weekend. I could say it was good, but that's a very generic statement. I have a lot of mixed feelings about what this weekend was like. On one hand,I saw students who just took this retreat as a time to get away from their parents and hang out. were spiritually. On another hand, I saw a bunch of students break free of labels they've worn and get serious. And on another hand still, I saw a handfuls of student get angry at other people and God.

Honestly, I sat in that last boat. There was a lot of distraction the whole weekend with even just the dynamics between middle and high school. Even in my personal life, God is resurfacing junk I've been burying and isn't letting me push it aside this time around. It's made for many restless nights. So I expected this weekend to be one where I could leave refreshed, on fire, and not so broken.

My expectations were crushed. Being on worship team, I led a few songs and probably got a little overambitious vocally. I had no voice by the end if the first night and was frustrated because I couldn't sing very well. There were also students I spoke with that I thought would "get it" and would want to get serious but didn't. On top of all that, God didn't fix me the way I wanted Him to and I left retreat absolutely drained and a little defeated.

But thank God my expectations were crushed! Worship took care of itself because it was never about me. Some of the students I've written off before this weekend really opened up to the idea that God could use them and talked about things beyond the surface. And for me, God's showing me retreat is way beyond just getting a temporary spiritual high.

I was expecting the wrong things. I expected something comfortable- something requiring minimal effort. Now, God's planting small thoughts and ideas in me. Even though some of the thoughts and ideas aren't the easiest pills to swallow (mostly because they require action and not idleness), the more I think about them, the more hopeful I am.

So now, my only expectation is God is about to do something big, and I'm excited...