Feelings? What are those?

There was a long period of time where I kind of saw crying as weakness. I thought people who cried a lot were just a bunch of pansies... but at the same time, I was a little jealous.

See, crying doesn't come easy to me. Physical pain doesn't push me into it. The first two times I sprained my ankle, I swore out loud and yeah it hurt, but I didn't shed a single tear over being a gimp. Saying bye to friends doesn't make me weepy. Sappy movies don't quite cut it... they're just dumb.

But something changed a few weeks ago. I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked me how I was doing and what I've been up to. It was actually really difficult to talk about myself. I wasn't trying to deflect away from talking about me, but there was nothing new that I was doing. Yeah, I'm working two jobs. Yeah, I still live at home. Yeah, I'm going back to school. Yeah, I have no idea what I'm going to do after college (whenever that is).

But I told her that I have this new thing for feeling on behalf of others. Lately, a small handful of people have been sharing some really raw parts of their stories with me. After somebody shares that broken part of their story with me, I feel it. Most of the time it's a few hours later when I've had time to process our conversation, but I then get caught off guard by the sudden outpouring of emotions.

This part of feeling has never been a part of my emotional library, but I'm willing to expand. It's actually been one of the most painful things I've felt... yet easily one of the most freeing. It's another one of those weird things I can't describe very well. While I'm in this, I'm confused, excited, sad, joyful, angry, hopeful, anxious, optimistic... all of these things that are supposed to conflict with each other and yet it works.

I still don't quite get it, but I guess I'm okay with that. After sitting down with these individuals and seeing how hungry they are for something (or someone) more, I can't help but cry for them. I can't help but pray for them. I can't help but get excited! God's moving in more than just me, and He's letting me see small parts of other people's stories unfold.